New year's resolutions

IT'S STILL JANUARY I CAN STILL DO THIS

- distinction average
- post here every day
- stop ignoring things (including myself)

bloody hell got my myki checked on the train and freaked about not having a concession card until i remembered i'm still 16

oh wait false modesty is when you dismiss compliments totally because it's actually insecurity and shame in disguise i see

gah what am i even talking about i need sleep

people say modesty is a virtue but people also say they hate false modesty like wtf?? clearly i don't know what modesty is anymore

(or maybe i've been doing it wrong all along)

when you're a kid adults teach you to be modest

to not brag or boast or talk about how great you are at something

but the thing is

they don't tell you that you're still allowed to be proud of yourself

so you grow up with the idea that you shouldn't talk about how great you are

because you're not that great.

you're not allowed to think that you're great.

someone tell me cos i've never been sure

am i allowed to be proud of my natural intelligence

or is it not worth as much because it comes naturally

i started the year feeling super pumped because so much new stuff was happening and there was so much progress

but now it's settled down again and i feel like i'm drifting along, stuck in a rut and just going through the motions, counting down to my next shift, counting down the minutes of my shift, go home, sleep, while away the breaks in between with nothing to show, fill in the hours with online chatting, get nothing done, go to work again...

and i don't see myself doing anything with my time? like okay sure, earning money, that's productive...but i don't feel myself accomplishing anything. i'm so fucking bored

maybe we need a national 'Don't Be An Intolerant Shit' day or 'Treat Your Fellow Human Beings Like Actual Human Beings' day

it's not actually helping the affected minorities

because like really, someone might eat Thai food and still be a racist shit

sort of like how some people 'love' gay people because they're supposedly so good at shopping or interior decorating or some other stereotypical shit

the whole concept of 'promoting multiculturalism' is a bit strange though because it sort of sends the message that people are useful for the things they can do for us?

i have like four tennis-mad friends and i blame them for the fact that i'm here watching the men's final

the other day at my science uni info lecture like four of the speakers made comments about 'when we have a prime minister who asks how invisible gases can do harm to the atmosphere then we really have a problem' like as if i needed another reason to be pumped for uni

best game shows:
- thank god you're here
- talking about your generation
- whose line is it anyway
- slideshow

so this year I'm doing:
- sociology
- international relations
- chemistry
- maths

saving money is hard

saving up for a laptop aaaaaaaaaah

neapolitan ice cream reminds me of my childhood

no but what the fuck is mountain dew it's sugary and plain and apparently caffeinated but caffeine has no effect on me anyway??

as an employee i can truthfully say that the strawberry and cream krushers are not worth the money

it's like they tried to make a bubble tea knockoff by putting chopped up lollies in that contribute nothing to the flavour until they get stuck in your teeth

just don't bother. stick with cookies and cream or golden gaytime

just went to both info sessions and HELLA pumped for uni man

haven't posted for a bit because 3 days ago my HTC Desire Z (which has accompanied me since November 2010) suffered a fatal injury

it survived countless falls and being lost like 3 times

but in the end, my drink bottle killed it.

RIP.

(so i have a Samsung GT-C3262 as a shitty temporary replacement. it's such a huge downgrade...anyway yeah, 90% of my internet activity was on my phone but this phone is not v good at internet so posts will probs be a lot more sporadic for the next few months, until i can get a new phone.)

i just tried to quit but my boss talked me back into staying ah

last night i dreamt that i quit my job but was overcome with a huge feeling of regret

ALSO I MADE IT INTO UNI INTO MY FIRST PREFERENCE INTO UNI INTO AAAAAH

arts/sci at monash clayton hECK YES

(seas ilu forever)

wow just hit exactly 1000 views!!?!

JUST GOT PAID AW YEAH

now the question is what merch do i blow all my money on

i was crying for 2 hours non-stop last night and ended up with. sore eyes and the worst headache

dehydration from crying is a real thing tho like seriously. drink some water

our Christmas tree is still up

what makes breakfast breakfast? is it the first meal of the day? the first thing you eat after you wake up? the type of food you eat? the time you eat it? or is calling it breakfast enough to make it breakfast?

yeah no the new job hype has worn off big time

standing on a crowded train in 40-degree weather

livin the life yo

this computer takes 5 minutes to open up word i think i need. A new one

DON'T TALK TO ME CONSISTENTLY I'LL PICK UP BITS OF YOUR VOCABULARY AND PERMANENTLY ABSORB IT INTO MYSELF

yay back to work tomorrow yay i feel so independent commuting to docklands it's great

atm i'm going through a really good patch so now that i'm not constantly angry/anxious/upset i now know how my friends must always feel when i'm going through shit because now i'm on the other end of the equation

and i think it's just as bad hhhhh

so i'm at oakleigh centrelink atm

it's the first time i've been here and wow yeah i already don't wanna come back being in the waiting room with angry people is really uncomfortable

there's a sign up saying that aggressive behaviour may result in police presence

good thing i already have a direct appointment though geez

how did I get so many rad friends tho

shoutout to Hillary for being 2000% amazing in every way i would not have made it through last year without her and all her amazingness you have no idea omg

- cool job with awesome people
- youth allowance
- friends are rad as heck (as always)

things are looking up!!!

I FINALLY HAVE YOUTH ALLOWANCE

christ i just had a minor freakout when i realised i hadn't been listening to the stops on the train

today at work

- up at 6, station by 7.30, work at 9
- ~opened~
- made potatoes & gravy
- burnt finger on gravy
- left phone in public toilets & spent my break in tears
- eventually found out phone had been handed in to information (you couldn't have told me before i started crying?? aaaah)
- got an extra 25 mins break for trauma suffered AH MY BOSS IS SO GREAT
- TOOK LIKE 3 ORDERS ALL BY MYSELF AND PACKED THEM MYSELF TOO AW YEAH
- everyone at work is so nice aaaaah
- hooray friends
- hooray working with my annoying douchenugget best friend
- hooray 10% discount
- hooray!!!

you know what's really weird

when customers speak to me, pronouncing each word slowly and clearly and with intense eye contact

like they don't expect me to understand English.

and it's really fucking weird and also really unpleasant

to be dismissed on the basis of my appearance is a really unpleasant feeling especially because hello i've lived here since i was two i speak English perfectly fine i've been an Australian citizen since before i was a year old I CAN TAKE YOUR FUCKING ORDER

it's probably hit me hard because i can't recall ever having an experience comparable to it

like it's not the first time someone's assumed i can't speak english

but it's the first time it's been so blatant? and i'm just used to everyone around me knowing that my english is 200% fine so yeah it was a bit of a shock

p.s. SURVIVED MY SECOND SHIFT

I TOOK AN ORDER AND PACKED IT MYSELF AW YEAHHHHH

people are rad

casually sending a message then immediately archiving it so you don't go insane checking for a 'Seen at...' ha ha ha sigh

SURVIVED MY FIRST SHIFT

i am honestly not used to getting things done. it's stupid, but whenever i think of something i have to do my immediate reaction is 'do it later' no matter how easy the thing is

like i don't know when it started but by now it's a habit; i constantly put things off (which gets seriously fucking troublesome when it's an email to a teacher or social worker or something) without even thinking about it.

i've gotten into the pattern of pushing things aside to deal with them later because i somehow have unconsciously convinced myself that i am not presently capable of dealing with the issue??

SO

im definitely trying to make this blog into a Thing That I Do every day (unofficial new years resolution? i still don't really have any)

today has been shockingly productive:
- bought some purple nail polish (of which you can never have too much)
- finally got a set top box & installed that
- got shoes for first day at work tomoz
- submitted shit for youth allowance

hooray! getting stuff done!!

i'll be honest if i don't get into arts/sci i will be crushed

also Allie is an utterly brilliant individual and i wouldn't have made it through 2013 without her support and i hope she has an amazing time with everything she does cos she 1000% deserves it

(it may be just natural for some people but i do consider the fact that i'm now no longer just dead by 10pm an achievement, like it's really getting better over time. i remember at deb i was legit just tired and wanting to be home by 10; compare that to valedictory where it was 12pm and i was reluctant to leave hahah. i'm really happy with the improvement.)

RAD PARTY

RAD PEOPLE

RAD FOOD

RAD NIGHT

100TH POST YEAHHHHH

(if you read my blog you should totes give me a shout or something like really i'd just love to know no matter who you are hahah)

pre-party nap, i think yes

pro tip: when someone says they feel a certain way

- DON'T dismiss it
- DON'T say anything beginning with 'you only feel that way because...'
- DON'T patronize them
- DON'T EVER EVER FUCKING EVER tell them that they shouldn't feel that way OR WORSE YET THAT THEY DON'T ACTUALLY FEEL THAT WAY

BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS DISRESPECTFUL AND DEGRADING AND do you even fucking know what you are doing. you are erasing them. you are dismissing their very fucking real feelings and by that you are DISMISSING THEM AS A HUMAN BEING. YOU ARE TREATING THEM AS IF THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE.

if you do that then really, you REALLY need to reconsider your actions and stop acting like scum.

so she tells me off for being boss and greedy and selfish just because i actually want us to have some fucking money

and then when i get upset she's incredulous at my 'tantrum'

SO I JUST GOT A JOB

KFC at Waterfront City huzzah

is it too late to say happy new year

woot good riddance to 2013 wow worst year of my life thank god it's over

2014 is gonna be rad, y'all

songs that will forever remind me of 2013

shrugs

1. The Spectator – The Bravery 
2. Trick – SNSD 
3. We Were Born The Mutants With Leafling – Of Montreal 
4. The Outsider – Marina and the Diamonds (also Guilty, Numb, Oh No!...just the whole album is perfect omfg) 
5. Gun – Chvrches 
6. This Celluloid Dream – AFI 
7. Policy of Truth – Depeche Mode (the amount of Depeche Mode i listened to this year...a lot.)
8. Only You – Ellie Goulding 
9. Hold Me - Farid Mammadov (this is from Eurovision. i’m not gonna lie. i love Eurovision.) 
10. Timber – Pitbull (feat. Ke$ha) 
11. Counting Stars – OneRepublic 
12. Demons – Imagine Dragons 
13. Day by Day – T-ARA 
14. The Cigarette Duet – Princess Chelsea 
15. Only If For A Night – Florence + the Machine 
16. There They Go – Fort Minor
17. Holly (Would You Turn Me On?) – All Time Low 
18. Black Black Heart – David Usher 
19. Let Me Hit It – Sporty-O
20. Mirrors – Justin Timberlake (because it was stuck in my head 90% of this year.)

things in my life in general are going well and it confuses me??
like i spent last year in a perpetual state of denial, despair, frustration and apathy interspersed with monthly (was it more frequent? i can't remember) breakdowns so the fact that now we can like pay bills and buy more than $20 worth of groceries and petrol is baffling
but then i may be deluding myself again. relative material stability is one thing but i guess i still have a lot going on.

SO

i was feeling too crappy to post new years stuff last night so i shall post them now let's go