aaaah this girl in the waiting room looks like natalie dormer must not stare

why do blue jeans with red shoes look so good tho???

CAT team confirmed once again for absolutely useless trash

riley's cat likes me and his bed is very springy and hE HAS 19 DVDS OF BLEACH PLUS ALL THE MOVIES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS RILEY SAY GOODBYE TO ALL YOUR BLEACH MERCH

but yeahhh

i'm in the middle of nowhere but it has a nice view. we passed alpacas?? and a kookaburra just casually landed on the kitchen porch (and i think this is a normal occurrence???)

allie and veronica and the entire mitchell family are absolutely amazing i have no words

holy shit stuff is actually happening

I NEVER MENTIONED THAT CHRIS THOMPSON KNOWS ME HE KNOWS MY NAME HE REMEMBERED ME

SENPAI NOTICED ME MY LIFE IS COMPLETE

I FEEL VERY SAD FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS NEVER HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF SOMEONE GENTLY BRUSHING THEIR HAIR FOR THEM IT IS ONE OF THE MOST SOOTHING THINGS I CAN THINK OF

i fucking hate my life and would really, really like to not exist.

now would be a really good time to dissociate

i'm fucking 17 i shouldn't have to deal with this shit

i need to get out

fuck the latest homestuck update was amazing though holy shit i'm gone

ah shit i've been meaning to watch anime all day but i never got around to it...

teenage boys are so annoying

holy shit i'm a hug elitist

when i say hugs i mean PROPER hugs, like tight hugs that go on for more than two seconds or something and not those obligatory things that are more of a light chest bump than anything substantial

go hard or go home okay tight hugs are the best any day. if you aren't trying to crush their ribs you aren't hugging tight enough

i recommend everyone get more hugs

hugs will greatly improve your quality of life and i have reason to believe they can help with stress and anxiety levels so make sure you're getting your recommended daily dose of hugs

nooooo

moreeeee

assignmentssssss


UNTIL NEXT YEAR YESSSSSS

I SURVIVED THE MATHS ASSIGNMENT

I WILL NEVER HAVE TO DO A MATHS ASSIGNMENT AGAIN

LIFE IS SWEET

i either stress completely or don't care at all.

also you can add 'biting' to my list of cat-like traits...

on that note, do try to avoid using mental illnesses as casual adjectives, e.g. 'i'm so depressed,' 'i'm so ocd,' etc etc. it's trivialising and pretty ignorant of what mental illness actually is

friendly reminder that depression =/= sadness

depression =/= constantly feeling  miserable every second of every day

like any mental illness it is so much more complicated than that and just because i have times where i am over the moon with happiness it doesn't change the fact that i have depression

(depression doesn't mean i've lost the ability to feel happiness, but it's made the feeling a lot more temporary.)

i don't know what to do for subjects next year though like atm the only thing that interests me is chem

but if i do two chem subjects that's more labs

i don't know. i think i have an aversion to hard work due to not believing i can cope with it

if you haven't given your hogwarts house some consideration i don't know what youre doing with your life

except cats don't have to do homework they really do get a good deal

wish i was a cat though

i would be the most affectionate cat like i'd follow you from room to room and headbutt your face and meow for your attention and get in your way when you're trying to work and demand pats and drape myself all over you at all times

...

i may already be a cat. 

why is my hair so not soft/10

must really work on this easily-sparked jealousy and insecurity/inferiority complex tho

I hate my inability to sound convincing, even about shit I am 100% certain on

I HATE MY LIFE

THERE'S NEVER MILK IN THE SCIENCE LOUNGE AS I'M WALKING IN

BUT ALWAYS AS I'M WALKING OUT

oftentimes not that vague

the vague terror you feel when thinking about your future

motivation to do anything at all is very low but i know i have to or i'll spend the rest of the week being an utter wreck

career ambitions have included doctor, classical musician, surf life guard, dentist, maths teacher, hacker, linguist, marketing psychologist, criminologist, mathematician, engineer, forensic psychologist, lecturer, some sort of position within the UN or ASIS, and researcher.

today: watermelon.

tomorrow: watermelon.

fuck this if i can't drink i'll dig my nails into my arm instead

(why did i have to cut my nails)

i cannot fucking believe this

my mum is actually comparing me to my dead father, my violently abusive serial cheating father, and basically saying at least he respected me!

i'm very short on effective non-self-destructive coping techniques

WHY DID I SKIP SO MANY LECTURES

fun fact when you take cat ears off after wearing them for a while you spend the next hour feeling like you still have them on

cat ears are really fucking hard to position i hate everything

i really lucked out finding riley though.

i hate the moment where i start questioning my own version of reality

i keep considering alcohol and it's such a bad sign

i think the only safe option is to distrust every straight boy except the ones i already know and trust (all 3 of them?). this sounds about right

why are boys so gross

i thought i was through with this after high school. for some bizarre naive reason i thought i'd seen the last of the gross sexism, blatant objectification and casual homophobia but nope. ofc not. still surrounded by guys who see women as sex objects, who take pleasure in belittling female celebrities, who usw gay as an insult (really though, really?) who don't give a single flying fuck about all the women who don't meet up to the impossible ideals.

it's sick and it makes me sick and it is so, so difficult to be around people who have such gross ideas about your whole gender. and if you say anything they'll call you crazy and overreacting, one of those Crazy Feminists. but when it's either that or absorb the toxicity, i'll take Crazy Feminist anyway.

it's okay now it's all good i'm all good i'm not becoming an alcomaholic i'm good.

no i am actually wishing i had alcohol rn it's not good it's not good at all

help farah called me a hipster

i am so close to alcoholism you don't even know.

i am such bad at this decision making thing

i am so tired

i woke up feeling vaguely wrong and it got better but talking to my mum is bringing it back again and i hppe it doesn't stick around

It's taken me this long to realise that even if you want to, you can't actually fix anyone's problems for them. You can't make them go away. You can't take them to a safe blanket fort in the clouds and keep them safe forever.

You can't solve people's problems, and you can't take them on as your own. Nobody expects you to solve their problems, and nobody expects you to drain yourself trying to help them.

Nobody expects you to put them before yourself.

It's a hard lesson for me to learn, but that makes it all the more important. You need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else, because otherwise you won't be able to take care of anyone, including yourself.

I need to remember this. I need to remember this.

today has turned out significantly better than i thought it would be and for that i am grateful.

last night i got buzzed from one glass of red wine.

yeah go ahead call me a lightweight you'd only be the 7th person in 12 hours

i'm used to being the one who's stressed out and freaking out and having emotional meltdowns so being on the other end of that is newer for me and it's really upsetting how do you guys deal with me it's so upsetting feeling helpless and wanting nothing more than to help and to fix it and to do something it sucks it sucks it sucks

my weaknesses include:

- hitsugaya toshiro
- energetic pop music
- the emoticon =wwww=
- head pats
- cats
- fluffy fanfic

i wish i had heaps and heaps of money to spend on rad presents for all the cool people in my life

NEW WOLF GANG MUSIC

NEW MARINA MUSIC

NEW SOFTENGINE MUSIC

IM SO HYPE

after i made my post on tuesday about not remembering a successful chem lab i then proceeded to have a surprisingly successful chem lab yesterday.

it's always nice when you're pessimistic and then are pleasantly surprised.

tho, i have absolutely no idea what i'm meant to do now cos i was not prepared for a yes. what do

i'm gonna put a jump cut here just cos it feels weird having it just out here on the front of my blog

Hill has left a new comment on your post "SO EXCITE": 

?????????????????? cat??????? bae??????????? 

 the latter my friend!!! :D

SO EXCITE

oh my god i just saw this picture and made an incredible high pitched squealing noise

I STILL WANT A RAGDOLL CAT SO MUCH OH MY GOD

i can't remember the last time i had a successful chemistry lab tho

(has such a thing ever happened?)

drunk messages from friends are the most hilarious things in the world holy fucking shit

there really is a huge difference in feeling upset because of shit you're personally going through, and feeling upset on behalf of someone you love and what they're going through

they feel different, but just as painful

today i looked hella cute

these guys are wonderful and i miss them

i spend a lot of time thinking just let me be h a p p y

help the bae is so fkn cute implodes and rolls into the sun

it may be physically impossible for me to be upset while baking

^_^ is such a cute emoticon what the fuck

how do i care about work and uni and doing well when everything sucks

being friends with someone younger than you and watching them grow up into a great human being os so wonderful

i want to go back to uni at least i got something done every day

this holiday i've been sleeping over 12 hours a day, going to bed at midnight and waking up at 7am and then going back to sleep till 10am and then napping throughout the day till like 6pm

and it's not pleasant at all it's just constant fatigue that i can't shake no matter how much i sleep

i am not good at thinking long-term or seeing anything as particularly urgent and you can imagine that this can cause issues

getting things done is a struggle

tfw stuff pops up on your news feed and you're like 'i don't remember ever liking this page...'

so my default comfort mechanism for when i'm feeling shitty and/or shitty stuff is happening is to go to one or more of my friends and just rant at them about everything, and sometimes it helps a lot and makes me feel completely better, and sometimes it doesn't help as much and i still end up mulling over and over in my head

but it's still better than being alone with it, you know?

like it is definitely something i'm proud of - the fact that i'm able to reach out to people and tell them what's going on and when something is happening.  that i can open up to people at all really, because it's easy to become isolated in situations like mine.

i realise i haven't gone into specifics on this blog and there are probs people reading this who don't actually know what's happening, and what's causing the situational depression & anxiety (naturally situational implies there's an outside cause) and if you're reading this then it's more likely than not that you're someone i wouldn't mind telling, so hmu if you like.

deciding whether or not to tell someone is one of the harder parts because i'm always wondering how they'll take it, and whether i really want to spill my life story out to them. also it tends to be really out of the blue? i'm good at keeping up the facade and i almost invariably get shock and 'i had no idea' and it does feel like i'm burdening them.

i'm getting better at realising that i'm not, and that the people i tell appreciate knowing and the implicit trust in me telling them, and that they'd rather know than not.

...hah, writing that just made me realise that it's not often really think i don't want them to know, because i tend to really trust the people in my life. i think that's something i like about myself too. or maybe i just have this tendency to attract really good people? either way.

i can't remember what else i wanted to cover, so i'll just end it here.

i definitely know that people care about me, and that a lot of people love me and value me and think i'm great and heck, maybe some people even admire me

it's not something i ever really doubt; my insecurity tends to stem more from wondering if i deserve it, whether i've done enough to be worthy of it, but i think i'm getting better at that too.

oh wait i never probably said my diagnosis on here? situational depression and anxiety, utterly unsurprising.

i'm looking back through old posts on my blog and what do you know

porque no los dos indeed

getting the diagnosis was actually the hugest relief to be honest; it was like this realisation of 'holy shit there's actually a cause for this and i'm not just being a lazy emo teenager'

it was like validation that there's a reason for what i'm feeling and it's an actual issue that can be dealt with and not just some personality flaw, and that was big.

detailed breakdown of my type:

be cute and nice and make me laugh and give me food

that's about it

at least half my favourite characters are evil and psychotic but adorable teenage boys that inevitably end up dead

shoutout to cath for surviving through those 3000 words of pain!! much proud :D

legitimately cannot believe i finished that essay

holy shit

go me :'D