it is so, so, so hard being in this situation

there is no easy fix for a mentally ill and emotionally abusive parent

and sometimes i want nothing more than to move out and never have any contact with her ever again

(like how it is with my dad. it's almost a relief that he's dead so that i don't have to go through the awkward distance that comes with him being abusive to my mother and cheating on every wife he's ever had and him suing us for our house but still probably loving me, it's easier to not have to think about him at all)

(which is why i am kind of annoyed by the fact that my half brothers are in my life because i just want to forget about all of them, my life is with my friends and uni and my own choices)

i just want my own life, without constantly having her in the back of my mind, wondering if she's going to hang herself if i'm not around or if she's going to go abuse the neighbours or something

like there's probably not a lot of me that hasn't been affected by growing up with her - every time i'm away from home, at uni or out with friends there's always the obligation to text her to make sure she doesn't accuse me of not caring about her and only loving uni, there's the fact that i don't really want to go home but if i stay too late she'll yell at me for it, feeling obliged to be around her and listen to everything she says even though it's entirely mentally draining and i'd rather not have to talk to her, feeling guilty for tuning her out, feeling like i should be doing more to make her happy, feeling like i should be doing better at uni so she'll have less reason to call me lazy, as well as the fact that i don't actually have to do any chores around the house cos she wants me to study and so i should be doing better and my not working is actually really ungrateful

i know that so many of my thought processes are messed up but it's difficult to unlearn them when they're constantly reinforced every day. look, i even feel the need to justify them.

i don't know where this rant is going