the past few - weeks? - i don't know what's been up with me but it's become increasingly difficult to focus on anything at a time and it's quite likely because of all the crazy shit that's been happening at home

but i just can't stop feeling like this and it's so unpleasant - it's not even that i'm sad, it's just that i feel so empty and the emptiness is more upsetting

i feel like i have no energy to do anything less than completely effortless and i can't remember the things i enjoy doing. my messages and replies have become increasingly sporadic and sometimes i just read them without touching the reply because the effort is enough to deter me - and it's stupid, i love all my friends more than anything, so why is it so hard to expend the effort? it's not like it even should be effort, it should be effortless, it should be one of the few things that is easy at any time

and i think i miss them but i also think i'm too empty to really feel it, and i'd rather just curl up in bed and not have to wake up ever again.

i don't know what to do now. i have to talk to people about my mum's arrangements and  hcall up the utility companies re:the bills and get a heap of centrelink shit sorted out and it's all so overwhelming that i don't want to do any of it, i'm not an adult, i can't handle this responsibility but i have to because nobody else will because i don't have any parents that can actually parent